PELLCH

A pellch worker gently milks a tit at Simpsens Farm Pellch (pellchusis vulgaris) is one of the island’s most fun and largest crops (untamed bushes can grow bigger than a very big man standing on tiptoe). Pellch plants are the source of an alcohol of the same name, only available from approved outlets due to its fiery, potent nature which requires careful fermentation, not just shoving in some old jars in a corner. Pellch plants flourish in a limey, badly drained soil with careless, irregular watering, on slight inclines. The plants require regular stroking and calming, mainly first thing in the morning and around dusk. They like their leaves stroked. And whispering’s good, particularly by ladies. Pellch plants most distinctive feature, directly beneath the upper furry pelt, is the dangling teat, which is large and fat with a gorgeous purple hue. Each teat can have up to five udders, which need daily milking. The resulting chalky purple fluid is the basis for pellch alcohol, which demands cautious fermentation and a series of brewing processes before it can be safely drunk. Depending on the temperature at which pellch is imbibed, the alcoholic content increases or decreases (as detailed on all official pellch labels). Homebrew pellch is expressly forbidden. The most prolific pellchyards lie in the parish of Hoofan. The first officially recorded pellchyard was opened by Mr Carvon Feer (chalet 5) in cycletime 1260-la-la. The yard still produces one of the fruitiest spurtings of all pellchyards island wide. Young teatlings require careful training from the first pip-husk stage in window-houses at temperatures of no less than 55 pearsons (but no higher than 72). If exposed to cold-morn-crystals too soon, fledgling plants are liable to emit a powder (pale purplish/grey) and quickly wither, or get ‘dug-shrivel’ as it‘s traditionally known. Really dry plants turn very leathery and can be used as handbags - or small shoulderbags, if you‘re a man.